Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
