Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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