my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
