Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
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