I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
