I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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