Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
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