Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
