I think my vagina is haunted
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
