my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
