dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
