stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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