I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
