I am puke
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
