addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
