I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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