Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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