I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Randomize
