do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
