Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize