Princesses don't give blow jobs
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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