im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
