last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
