I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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