I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
