my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
