went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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