maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
