I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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