theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
