I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
