highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
