Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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