he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
We need a shit load of segways right now
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
