My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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