I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
