I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
