my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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