A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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