tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Farmville is her only friend.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
