Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Also, beer. Big fan.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
