I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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