I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
