In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
50% drunk capacity currently
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
