She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
