What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
