I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
