White coat. Heels.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize