I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
