remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
