I accidentally had phone sex last night
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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