I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
