This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
