She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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