why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Randomize
