I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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