It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
