Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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