just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
