remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
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